Don't Abandon

I had a chat with one of my friends today… after a really long time. She is someone I genuinely like, but also someone I genuinely hate! We quarrel more, and more often, than we talk; and we always joke about it. It’s a funny friendship I have with her – but she is a good girl, and I like her.

It is almost after a couple months that we spoke to each other… and within minutes we were arguing about some hypothetical question. But this time the conversation got a little more personal than hypothetical, and things kind of went out of hands.

Eventually we did sort it out, and ended the conversation on a happy note, but – the obsessive, compulsive over thinker that I am – I kept thinking about our conversation for the rest of the day. Like the backdrop of a stage, my mind kept coming back to it again and again, after all the thoughts had vanished from the foreground. I left the house in the same state, and forgot my bike keys inside after I had pulled the door close. Then I realised I had forgotten my wallet as well, and the keys to the house along with it. I checked my pant pockets and found I had about fifty bucks. I decided to take a rickshaw to office.

I met all my colleagues on reaching office… after many days we were all happy and laughing and tension free, now that assessments were over. We went to the canteen and decided to rob one of our friends of all his money – he owed us too many a treat and hadn’t given any! We all decided to settle the account.

‘Arre yaar, aaj mere paas sacchi itne paise nahi hai!’ he tried to explain – ‘I got only twenty!’

But we still kept on teasing him and asking him for a treat.

And in that moment I realized – isn’t that about how unreasonable we act sometimes?

We expect time from someone who is busy.

We expect co-operation from the least friendly colleague.

We want love from someone who takes us only as a friend.

We want someone who loves talking to sit quietly and listen to us.

My mom always says – each person gives only that what he has. I used to never understand her when she used to say that – but now I know.

There are so many kinds of people we meet every day – look around and you may find that person who is always happy, that person who is always alone, who is always sad, or who is always lost. There was a phase when I used to be always angry. My friends used to say – you lose your temper too quickly now-a-days.

When I look back, I now realize that at that point of time, I was going through a lot of things that I had absolutely no control over. It was like I was being pulled into situations which I wanted to avoid and there was nothing I could do about it – and it made me angry. The fact, or its realization, that I had no control over what was happening to me and no way to make it right made me angry, and my anger lashed out at people near me.

But do we realize this when we see it happening around us?

We are very quick at jumping to conclusions –

‘Oh he has changed, he is just so moody now-a-days.’

‘I don’t know what’s wrong; he was never like this before.’

But do we ever stop and think “why” this is happening?

A person, who is hurt, hurts others.

A person, who is angry, lashes out at others.

A person who does not hang out with others is in fact feeling very lonely and outcast himself.

A person who is bitter has someone being bitter to him.

It is almost always like this.

Each person gives only that what he has.

If you see such people around you and if they are someone you know or like or care for, go talk to them; sit down next to them; chat with them; ask them if they want to share what they are going through with you.

Help them.

Genuinely help them.

And help them in a way that suits them – not in a way that you think is right. Don’t help them for your sake – to make you feel good; for that help is no help.

It is not too difficult to pick on someone who is going through a tough time – unless that person is really good at masking his or her true feelings. And even such people break down at some point of time.

No one wants someone who is always rude, or moody, or upset, or fussy, or angry around them – but if that someone is your friend; don’t abandon him, for that only adds to their pain. Talk to him.

Pouring your heart out does not always mean loving the person, being caring, being affectionate and being nice – as much as these feelings, it is also the heart only that is home to feelings like hurt, anger, exertion, disappointment. Don’t choose people by their behaviour towards you, for that is going to change with their state of mind and with the state of affairs in their lives; choose people for the what they are after all these feelings have washed off and faded away… for that is the true nature that lies at the heart of that person.

Every person is capable of some good in life – and no one who is distressed deserves to be abandoned by his friends.

If someone got only twenty, he will give you only twenty. Don’t say – oh he won’t even give me a fifty, I don’t like him. Remember the times he gave you more than you wanted – and be grateful for it, for we may never know when roles reverse and we are on the other side, only hoping and wishing crazy that our friends understand us and support us.

The good and the bad are both you – don’t be ashamed of it.

And always remember – someone who can’t handle your worst, doesn’t deserve your best.

2010

Some people always have to be doing battle with someone, sometimes with themselves, battling with their own lives. So they begin to create a kind of play in their head, and they write the script based on their frustration.

I heard the old lady say these lines and realised how much they were true – every word of it was painfully true and relevant to my life. Right from the moment I was born, all I had been doing was fighting - battling to guard my existence; battling to guard my innocence, battling to exist in a world that was crueler than could be imagined. Every moment a struggle. Every moment a war waged against my own self that wanted to believe in the good in people and my other self that had nothing but eyes that could see the world around.

Life have not been good as imagined. Particularly in the last year. The year which goes down my memory lane. Year 2010, the worst ever. The worst I could have ever imagined. The only thing which kept me going throughout was the hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day and the day everyone will witness to be day on its own.

People say, if the first day of the year is good, then entire year goes good. I never believed in these things as they are too superstitious and only a fool would follow things like this.

But then why - why did I ever follow this? What was going on in my head when I went ahead to try to make my day good? Why why why? And now throughout the year, I have this finger of mine pointing towards me saying : What was wrong with you dumbass? And I stand silently, with my head bent down, saying a sorry. A sorry for what is not under my control. A sorry for all those stupid things I was doing and wanted to do.

The broken hearts, the ruined dates, the spoilt relations, the unanswered calls , the broken friendships and the end of the biker me. Its all gone with the year and guess these beautiful things are never going to return to me ever again.

I started to avoid people who really cared for me and gave importance to people whom I dont even know exists. The time spent waiting for them, the hours of sleep given up just to say a hi! It all just goes away with the click of the finger. People whom you gave importance never realized what they had meant in this life and walked away and left such a huge mark thats going to last this life long.

Fights with friends over nothing, and breaking up with them like you know that they will come back tomorrow, but now who will explain this to the kid inside that the world around has grown up, its time even you grow up. Wish I had never done certain things that had destroyed the real me.

As the year comes to an end, I would like to re begin a search for the real me, where have I lost the charm, the charm which always had all on my side, the charm that i built over years, the charm that got my first love, the charm that had been missing the entire year.

If anything good which happened to me was me not fighting with my best buddy and we becoming more of bro's than frens and the found of a new friend over internet. I know its going to sound crazy, but you never know. And I found this person to be my best friend I could have ever imagined to be. When I was all lost, this person came to my help always,no matter what, this person stood by me. May be it was fake, may be you were acting, but deep inside I know that this friendship was for real. And people may call me stupid for making friends over internet, but this time I am going to laugh at them and say - see I have got a true friend ;)

When dark cloud fill your eyes and theres no sunshine seen, just keep the faith in your heart that, theres always an angel who is watching you over and is always there to protect you. Maybe this time my angle was little busy and did not notice me much,but I know thet theres always a tomorrow. Always remember, after the night comes the day. So there is always an hope for a better tomorrow.

My 2010 had not been a good year, but YES I know that the coming year will be my best and I will work , work hard to realize my dream come true.

Footprints

How many things in our lives do we do purely for ourselves ?

There always has to be that response that we are waiting to listen to.

An admirer to the new dress or the new hairstyle

A person who would support a decision.

We are always looking for something that mirrors us to ourselves all our lives. We want that reflection to be in the form of someone else; and yet we want it to be exactly that – a reflection.

Someone who believes exactly in what you believe in.

Someone who also likes momo’s, just like you do.

Someone who also loves to dance, just like you do.

Why is it that we relate to something distinct from us only if we have been through a phase, a situation or an experience like that ourselves?

A favorite song.

A favorite movie.

Why is it that we have most experiences in common with our best friend?

We are always looking for that one person who will be a witness to our life on this planet.

Your friend may hate you thinking you always want to control their lives – but they still always consult you before taking any decision.

You know you are a good photographer – and yet it is important to you that people see and appreciate your work and tell you ‘you’re good’ at least once in a while.

I write for myself – but I am nonetheless always waiting for feedback and comments.

Can you for once in your life sing without an audience?

Can you for once cook a great meal just because YOU feel like having great food?

Can you for once read a good book and not share about it with another book-reading friend of yours?

Can you for once go off on a journey to enjoy your own company? Or even go to a movie all alone for that matter?

Can you? And more importantly – would you?

Why is it that we always turn around and look upon our footprints to see if someone is following them?

I LoveD you

You will never get to know how much I loved you
But I would like to keep it that way.

You would never know why I gave up on Coffee
Or why I cut my hair.
You would never know why I now like Pink Floyd,
And where all the badges are gone, those were once here.

You will always keep guessing why I took my dance lessons
Or why I started watching those English drama flicks
You’ll never know where my wrist bands are gone
And why it now lies unused – my fav t shirt

I guess you’ll never knew it was you I meant when I said
My kindaa girl should be sweet, cute and the smartest ever.
And you’d mocked – “That’s all?!”
And you’ll probably never know how much I loved you,
and how much I miss your calls

But it had rather be this way any day

A broken heart is easier to handle,
than to handle “I wish I hadn’t met you anyway”

A broken heart is much more easy to handle
than to have you in my life at a price I can hardly pay
and only for you to sometime, someday, without the slightest of notice, just walk away…

When will the wait END

I see so many people around me every day, always waiting for something – waiting for the lecture to get over, waiting for the person in front of you in the queue to finish his transaction, waiting for the traffic-light to turn green, waiting for your turn at the hair-dresser, waiting for the answer that’s gonna change your life, waiting for someone to come around, waiting for the hour to pass… its like our happiness is just out there, in sight. You can see it clearly, in all detail. But you are waiting to reach it; or for it to reach out to you.

Sounds familiar?

So what makes us wait for something in sight but out of reach?

What makes us stop from going after and getting what we want?

I am waiting for my life to change – yeah, pretty big!! I am waiting to complete my 2 years at this present job so that I can pursue something I have wanted to do all my life – or all along my life so far.May be open a business of my own or may be a better job due to more expertise in banking, which pays me more too. But more importantly, I am waiting for that one moment that I am hoping will come in my life soon, when I will know who and what I want to be, what I want to make with my life and my time and my talent and brains – just like I always knew I wanted to be a banker + a wealthy businessman.

Sometimes you just know things are going to happen.

This relationship’s not going to work.

You’re going to be disappointed by the one person you held so highly.

You are going to get that one chance you were looking for to prove your worth.

You are going to win that competition you have been waiting to participate in.

This is the last time that you are going to see your grandfather.

This is a person who is going to come to mean a lot to you.

It’s like sometimes you can feel something taking control of situations, people around you and turning things about. You feel a presence. You feel it unmistakably, and stronger than you’ve felt anything in your life before.

You look at a house and know it’s the one for you, even if it is ridiculously expensive, or far away from your work place maybe.

You go to buy a puppy, and you just know which one you are going to pick.

We go around blindly through each day, get up, get dressed, have breakfast, work, come home in the evening, have dinner, have a beer maybe, watch TV, maybe call a friend and greet them for their birthday, go to bed, read something for a while, sleep. And the cycle repeats. We have opinions about people around us, about a fashion trend, about a movie star, about a song, about political issues, about the stock market – what is your opinion about yourself? How much do we know ourselves?

We are all living each day of life as it comes; but in reality I think we are all at some level waiting for that one moment that’s going to change that one thing about you or your life that you really badly want to change; or for that one moment when you will know what it is you can do to bring about that change. We all live for that one moment of clarity. It may come to us while we are working in our garden, or when the wind hits your face next time you step out of your house, or when you are playing with your niece. It may come to us quite unexpectedly, or after a great deal of waiting – one, maybe even two years, or much longer even. But there is that moment of clarity that comes in everyone’s life. It is unmistakable, inescapable if it is meant to change you. But more than that, it is something that you cannot miss if you don’t want to let it pass by unnoticed.

I am on the lookout of mine – and I am all armed and as ready as I can be! And I hope you will find yours too

Instant Instict

Come off ages - I have realized one thing. How important it is for you to do in life what you actually wish to do. Forget the money, forget the job security, forget what is right, forget what is wrong, forget what everybody is doing, and forget what your parents wish you to do, or even what you think is right for you. Your inner feeling, your instinct will never fail. And it is what you must always follow. It will never fail you. If it fails you then always remember - it must have not been the very first instinct,



I grew up listening to two kinds of people in my home. Mom always tried to bring me up in a balance – yes it is good to do what you want to, but you must also sometimes find a way to do that which is necessary, even if it is not something you particularly enjoy. Dad on the other hand preached about doing what the heart desires. And all my childhood I grew up believing in both the views. It is only now that I realize how far apart the two things are – and which one is it that’s going to be my life-mantra.

Few are the people who get to make a living out of what they most love to do. There are countless things that go into the decision – and enough has already been said about it by everyone around me and around you too, I’m guessing. But what I really want to say is – if you have a choice, make a right one. Make one that’s right for you, not one that’s been “held” right by generations and societies. Society is never there to pull you out of your abyss when you get depressed or suicidal. It is not a wrong thing either I guess. The world was here before me – it doesn’t owe me anything. It has always given me, from my first waking moment. But what’s to be remembered is – just as it doesn’t owe you anything, nothing that came after you in the world is its to take away from you; at least nothing that you are a part in the making or creation of. And you must not let the world take it away from you.

I grew up hearing Dad say things like – be yourself, march to the beat of your own drummer. And I used to smile, amused at his remark. At the time I used to think – how strange is that! Cos I thought how could I be anyone else but me? But now I know just what he meant.

Don’t feel like going to work today? Don’t go. What do you say when the Boss asks? Exactly that – I didn’t feel like coming; maybe fabricate your reply with “and I didn’t want to do a dishonest job”! But there is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to, or not wanting to do a certain thing once in a while, even if it is something you love to do!

Nothing is more important than your peace of mind, your quiet, your health and your happiness.

Where the heart belongs

" Why are you doing it? If you know it is not good for you?" she asked me.

I couldn’t answer.

Try as I did to make my best friend see why I was back in touch with my ex, it was a weird experience – weird because I had never had a problem to make her see my point before, or to explain my side to her. But exception proves a rule, and me getting friendly with my ex again was one of the exceptions, clearly.

There are things in life that you just have to do sometimes. You don’t know why, but you just feel this obsessive compulsive need to do them, and that is reason enough to do them.

No one can really judge or even fathom to figure out a relationship. Not a best friend, not a parent, not a relative; and least of all the people around. What goes into a relationship, who draws the line where and puts up with exactly what and how much… no one can really tell.

One can’t understand, and one shouldn’t even try to make sense of it all. Not if you are a third person, and not even if you are the person; for it is easy to want to believe we are always either black or white. But it is not the truth. Everyone has a shade of grey, no matter how small it maybe, how insignificant – it is still there, unmistakable. And it is good if you get to know this side of you. It humbles you. It makes you less judgmental. It makes it easy for you to consider people’s mistakes.

And most importantly – it helps you forgive yourself.

It makes ‘the after’ easy.

Only you know what you have given to a relationship. And only you know what you can’t get back. Only you know how much you miss that someone special. Only you know what it means to not have that person in your life – what that emptiness feels like.

And only you can comprehend the need to want to be with that person again. Only you know why you want to go back to that person – to give yourselves a second chance, or just to have that person back as a friend, whatever the reason. For sometimes people you have had a relationship with become your friends in a very different way that is both weird and nice at the same time. It has its own comfort zones, its own ‘being yourself’ feel… and there’s nothing that can equal or replace it. Emotions, feelings, can never be right or wrong – they are either there or not there… that’s all.

Sometimes even your best friends fail to see your point. Or understand you. The one person who you thought knew you better than yourself can also not be able to comprehend your acts at times. But you shouldn’t let that bother you. Some paths you have to tread through alone. And it can’t be such bad a thing, right? It isn’t.